Should have known better

If you know me, you know that I am a passionate person and sometimes that comes with being over zealous and to some this appears like I am an over reactor and dramatic about things I have a lot of care for. I can't say that this is wrong, If I have something to say or something that has been bothering me I have always confronted the elephant even if it causes a little discomfort. The fact is that minor discomfort is easier then holding it in just to have something unrelated cause you to "Blow up". I have learned what others perceive of me at times was a rude awakening especially as you watch them turn their back on you or give up on you because of your struggle. Sometimes relatiobships have to breathe and it leaves you to find your new place in that person's life. You may try everything to remember how to be yourself again towards eachother when that self is actually what brought you together and led to the point of deterioration. When I have a lot to say I like to communicate my emotions and feelings because it helps me. However sometimes people can be overwhelmed with what I have to say or take it like I am being pushy or over-dramatic. There are plenty of situations that can cause someone to feel like they are suffering a loss for no reason other then one or both parties reconciling the differences that led to the tension. 

I never used to be a jealous or coveting person, and I don't believe that I am, I  do know that I have struggled with security issues and as annoying as those are it has nothing to do with trust. I have always struggled with knowing my worth and no one can convince you that you are worth more when you either don't believe it or have been through abuse. Don't get me wrong, I bring a lot of it on myself with over thinking but it all comes down to wanting to change and being willing to as well as taking the steps that are needed  so that I can be successful in any future relationships. I have broken hearts and have had mine crushed, my spirit is weak when I invest in someone I thought cared at least the same about me. I know it puts a negative toll on a relationship when the little things are not communicated. I want to be able to tell a friend anything, what they are doing to cause me pain, or what they are doing that I appreciate and adore of them. Rude awakenings of how someone feels about you and your personality can be a shock, and unless you are in denial most of these traits can be worked on. I admit I have been ugly at times, I have failed to find fault in myself on many occasions until it was too late. The whole point of my growth is that I want to be the women that someone will fight for and not let go because I know whatever the struggle, I can always be a better me, and I take the strides to be everyday. 

I have struggled so much with seeing a friend distance and close off themselves to the point where I felt that looking at the person was not welcome. Of coarse it comes back around to the point where facing the root cause of disturbance needs to be revealed in order to start turning it around, whether it is a new or old personality trait. Believe me, I know I have had poor perceptions of  situations where reality itself was less severe then it appeared to be unfortunately it has controlled me several times.I look back on a lot of occasions of missed opportunities and chances that I didn't allow for other people, leaving me understanding that if Karma is the reason any one would get to the point not to give you the time of day then the harsh truth is I deserve it. Learning through it all is hard pill to swallow, gets choked up in your throat when all you want is one simple gesture or kind word to breathe because everything will be alright in its own time. when you realize the traits that you need to work on, however with the willingness to change comes the hope that the other person will stick around to see it.. Knowing what I have grown from and what I still need to work on has helped me face the real root of my personality ticks, I guess you can say. At any rate, I hope that the loved ones in your life will remain there for you through the struggle and make you aware of the issues that may lead to you losing them in your life. All I want to do is write until there is nothing to write about anymore, but the person I want to write to may not understand or be open to it anymore because there has been no attempt to meet half way at this point. Don't get me wrong, friendship is a two way street, it doesn't fall on one person and both choose to be in each others life for varies reasons. I don't like confrontation or drama but when you are going through something that feels significant to you but not the other person it can be traumatic in a way. To realize that someone you cared deeply for may have never truly felt the same despite the words and time shared together.

I never used to know what I wanted or what I was looking for, most of the time relationships were sporadic and inconsistent just like my moody ways as an adolescent. I have always had commitment issues, maybe you are thinking a women with commitment issues? It's not a hard concept it is easy to  question if settling for the best fit for yourself is the same person that you are sharing time with. Now that I know what I actually want and looking for it feels like it couldn't seem more out of reach. A love that is arm lengths away... yet no opportunity of contact. Complications of life, work and school can over burden one to stress and not be themselves anymore. I know who I used to be, I know how I was and what I can change. I am grateful for people in my life who are real and tell me where I am not being me because it helps humble and open your eyes to something you possibly had no idea about yourself. I don't want to lose hope, 

I want to believe in the love that I have been promised.When I thought I found it, it ended up being something entirely different. The purest form of love to me is growing with someone that helps you become a better person and sticks with you at your worst so they deserve you at your best. I know what my promise has been and at times I have rushed into feelings thinking that it was it but was wrong. The type of love that exists beyond comprehension of strength, respect, communication, and desire to give your all to each other is what I have been seeking and am still waiting for. When you think you are in love sometimes it is only a crush, other times it's rooted with rejection which causes pain but was not love. I miss the days where we were young and love was so simple, "puppy love" as they would call it, to be that full of adoration for someone is the best feeling in the world when it is mutual. 

They say time heals everything, time and patience are not my strong suit and when it comes to caring deeply for someone who wants the best for you at one point and at another point doesn't care anymore, the question is not that it was love at all. Love might cause heartache but if you grow with someone you trust them that they will be there better or worse even if the worst of it is distance between to a possible renewed point in time of maturity. No amount of time over losing a good friend who held the burden of seeing me at my worst may become a distant memory but the pain will always be there if that person doesn't have any intention to being in your life anymore. Feelings that are fresh in my heart for someone that could have been long lasting, if only the circumstances were different. We can't change the time we meet or fall in love, all we can do is change through experience through the growing pains of a relationship. Everything works out in the end, only if both parties want it too. There was never a plan only the shared consent of enjoying each others company,  and now I'm woken up in a hell  I can't shake. It shouldn't be this hard if it meant something. Drama can get in the way and over reactions speaking without thinking can put a burden on growth. I've taken every responsibility, have admitted my fault, have taken the steps to change, and have asked for forgiveness. Grudges are hard they bog down the mind filling space with the clouded judgement or remembering the whole thing differently, and knowing that it wasn't meant for such an outcome but something better.

All I wanted was these feelings of pain of what I caused to push a person I cared about away to stop. They say love slowly drives you crazy, I finally understand what that means because no matter how hard you may try, if the other side doesn't want to they won't come around. For the mere fact of wanting to be the one who initiates or starts it on their terms leaves one waiting, hoping, praying, dreaming of the shared moments you thought you had more time to have. Oh don't worry I know there's two sides to every story, and people always perceive things differently especially how they begin and end. One thing holds true is what happened within the start and finish between lovers and friends. We can choose whether we want to learn from it or ignore it and fall short in the next opportunity. On one hand you can change or forget about it to never look back. This is truly up to the foundation of the friendship or relationship between two people. Labels or not all of the growth between two people who shared possibly beautiful moments, as well as disclosing their whole being, no limitations. Why give up on someone who is struggling to find their ground in bearing their role in the other's life trying to find a leg to stand on from unfortunate events which let to a separation that you couldn't even see coming.. Words are words once spoken they can't be rewritten but the outcome of persistence and genuinely proving that you can change could turn the page to something stronger then ever.     

I want to let go the negative, I want to let go of something that got distorted but I also don't want to lose someone that I entrusted my heart with while I mourned a loss, Maybe it is too large of an expectation, and they were not up for the challenge in the role of being the sole person who saw all sides of moody. People change, we can't say they don't because if they didn't then situations like this would seem unfathomable. I could write the one true person I want this message to go to but in his defense, I have written more then I perhaps should have with no helpful reply, which causes me the anxiety to not understand or let go when what am I letting go of? What am I getting "Over", this situation was preventable and I could let go of the fact that nothing will change no matter what I say or do, but I am not willing to give up or walk away from someone I undeniably revealed my soul to. Loyalty says hang on, wait, everything will work out. My heart says that even though pain seems like it is not justified, it also wouldn't have helped me grow in the not so lovable traits that led up to the point of complete silence. And finally my mind, well that is a whole other story, reeling, wanting to lean on the same person I have been, scared to say anything, but not wanting to stay silent. The cycle goes round and round with no ease of conscious without knowing if that person will ever give you the chance that you have been waiting for to prove that love changes us for the better, and patience allows us to wait. The unknown is pretty freaky, and at times unbearable to the mind and heart when waiting leads to no where and God only knows if there will ever be an opportunity, allow different, would be possible or if they ever think about it, knowing that in another light without the obstacles that suddenly halted something beautiful could actually have a real chance openly be in each other's life. What is meant to be is unavoidable, and situations out of our control can put an unwanted space between whether it be for a short time or always.I should have known better then to doubt all of the things I have doubted to cause the perception of trust, and we should have known better how to handle the situation differently, giving each other the benefit of the doubt of a misunderstanding and respecting each other enough to not let it get out of hand where there is now awkward silence and unsurety of what it all was in the first place if it was this weak to rip apart so easily. Is love so fragile like paper, or is that our human flight or fight intuition that leads us to make such a permanent decision to cut people out of our lives that otherwise could have been restored with a new perception and expectation, no obligation or past drama to interfere, because that is dead and gone, but love will always be.