2017 has been a difficult year for me emotionally. Thankfully my physical health is better then it has been in a long time. Some of the unfortunate events that have taken place are at fault to no one but myself.
Unfortunately friendships end even when you think its strong enough to pull threw just about anything instead it ends because of a reaction blown out of proportion. I blame myself for my emotional explosions and over reactions but then again should a friend really make you feel like it's your fault when questioning something which concerns you.
I have gone through and continue to go through a lot of changes because I faced the ugliness that brought me to this nightmare. I will always attempt to reconcile with loved ones but when is enough, enough? Love is not always enough I used to think so, how naiive. Maybe you find out the person was never open to being friends all along but put the act up as if they were until convenience became an issue due to life changes.
Should any of it matter at this point, what went wrong or can one agree that facing the person you said you would never become should not set you back any further from trust and friendship. I'm calling you out as I would want from a friend of mine to do.
They always say what is meant to be will be, this has always been so unsettling to me, the unknown. I dont know that i want to know or if I can handle the opposite outcome my heart and mind suggests. This is especially true when you know you fit with someone and would fight for them-do anything for them but feel left in question if anything that was exchanged was real or just an act.
Obviously we all say hurtful things and sometimes it gets to the point where enough is enough. I was not in a position where I could accept friendship after intimacy and it put a toll on the relationship itself. Going from being able to talk to someone about anything and everything, to the fear of the person becoming annoyed over wanting to talk about things until I felt they were resolved became too much at times. I don't mean to talk about what is bothering me to that extent but when someone can't give me a solid feedback or leaves me out of their life all together after so much, it eats my mind alive. Try settling yourself when you have every question of why and what happened to get to a point where the one you love can't tell you that you are being a jackass, and ugly about something.
For me, I was not always open and honest in my relationships and sometimes when I was it didn't turn out to well at all.
Thoughts and prayers for new beginnings. I wish nothing but the best for those I love even if it means letting go. Peace and love
I miss unconditional and undying love, a connection beyond measure, a growth of heart, mind and body with the kind of chemistry that binds love between two willing and open souls to grow a connection that goes beyond the subconscious mind. Where sharing dreams is only the begining. I long for the life that was nothing but genuine smiles and being who I am without censorship. I was me in its entirety and as I learn the happy child I was I am grateful for the memories that bring joy and not sorrow.
There was a time where happiness fulfilled me with no doubt or burden of struggle of self awareness. No substance or other distraction could replace the truth of love that was, and I hope to have again .
A void which tears me in two directions of thoughts, and feelings overcomes my restless heart. I don't want to know how it turns out or what happens behind that curtain, but I don't have patience to know if it will all be alright. I lack faith of true happiness. Where I could have given up I kept fighting and slowly opened my heart again. This said , sometimes its about taking that leap forward even if it sets you back, because love is worth the fight and any pain is temporary.
The thought of a future lacking partnership is paralyzing, not knowing if happiness will ever find it's home within me. But to dwell in the unknown is insanity and not worth the heartache. Focusing on being home even if sometimes my heart feels alone . I can't help but reflect on the promises of hope and faith that I used to have. Somewhere between love and anger I lost my will, still waiting for the love and happiness my parents lift up for me in prayer
Oct 30 2017 a feeling beyond the subconscious
Comments
Post a Comment