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Is There Any Other Kind? Love is not to be Found, but Attracted.

Love is a mutual respect, truth and honesty with realistic expectations, even if it means confessing of unruly desires prior to losing control to them all together. I'm not afraid of love, I'm not afraid of falling hard so fast if it means in the end I will always be happy with who I am.

It took forever to realize what love truly meant and where it could take me...with no regrets. Then again love is ever learning, ever growing, and ever becoming within ourselves, we are never truly done with the lessons it teaches. Wholly, purely and truly caring about the well being and happiness of another human being equally as much, not more than yourself. There is a place where loving someone more than yourself can prove to be unhealthy but not when you take care of and be true to yourself first..will you ever be ready to equally care for someone you want to be around or watch grow old together ?

I can't stop thinking how I didn't want to be in love anymore let alone with a man that may or may not disregard my heart again. Shakey trust, maybe but from the man who said people don't change, when it comes down to it I have to believe he is who he always was and I am just now seeing what was never shown before. If people don't change then why do I feel so different ? I've lived a full life and I know for a fact I'm not the girl I was but a women who knows what she wants. Sitting here wanting to believe that he is the man he claimes to be but lacking trust because of past experience.  Maybe it ended bad because it had to and maybe theres nothing stopping it from ending bad or worse. I want to love him wholey and be loved in return, if I were the same I would still be guarded, hiding behind a mask of a heartless person, stand offish , guarded to the sense of closed off to love. I beleieved I would never be happy again, or maybe never meant to be at peace with myself and loved mutually by anyone. It's all too close to home losing someone close as if I was the one who died this time, being the one who couldn't even get the only person in the world allowed to become my true and full self with or at least growing into every intimate touch. Each experience brought new intimacy and knowing of eachother. Closeness turns into distance and round in circles again protecting the trust that seems lost for ever . If nothing else the day I knew I was in love was the day I was content of my place in another's life. In friendship and intimacy when someone genuinely loves and cares for who you are  there's no room for doubt about your place in their life and their heart .

As I ponder this thought of not wanting romance or serious but at the same time wanting mutual desire I can't help think this is not the only time contentness of life has been ripped away from life. It's almost like a cycle of being content with who we are and happiness with self as well as with another has to die at some point ...even if the experience is brief. In the short of it although losing closeness with someone is painful, love itself carries on with us, even grows within to teach us something about ourselves we never knew.

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