This is a long post, update and thanks to all of my family and friends who have leant me an ear, a hand or simply reached out to see how I have been coping. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be ok or "hanging in there". I've been dealing with my own tragedies and emergencies and now the world is facing it's own.
To start, a special and never-ending thanks to everyone who had there hands in supporting me one way or another these past months where I have been battling some wars on self and external factors like employment, my limitations, resources from investment fails, failed business ventures, taxes, debts, and the list goes on. A lot of people may or may not know my obvious disabilities or possibly my physical ones as well. If not, all I can say is I was in a glorious remission of symptoms for a few years until health insurance changes from work and other events took place which set me off for a loop of distress, pain, and anguish of not wanting to remember the things I physically and mentally struggle with because the treatment and emotional distractions that were in place worked to keep me coping on a level where I could live one day at a time.
10 years ago this month I miscarried and nearly died after my falopian tube burst and I bled nearly all of my blood internally. Needless to say all 5 quarts of blood were transfused back into my bloodstream to assist in saving my life. After they removed this tube I found myself convinced in thinking I was unable to conceive successfully or at best a very slim to none chance to have am egg successfully implant in my uterus due to scar tissue causing these ectopic events. Was my one and only tube scared as the one threatening my life? I chose to not risk it any more to let my body heal because I will always be high risk and the decision to attempt to become pregnant being high risk and prone to ectopic pregnancy needed to be something not taken lightly and it was too dangerous for this to not be delicately handled.
Well, A couple weeks ago I had an intuition (always trust these) and for the first time ever on a stick test I showed pregnant. OMG IS THIS FOR REAL??? Not many know this but I have had 3 miscarries due to ectopicy that I know of but since most of the time they pass before any real growth happens and it is not always painful when it passes it is unclear to me if it could be more, tho it is a great possibility that the falopian tube I Was left with never dispatched a fertilized egg at all. Each ectopic pregnancy I have had also commonly never caused me to miss a period unless I was on birth control. (yes unfortunetly one time I conceived while on the nuvaring. I'm pregnant and scared. Completely in shock and possibly still in denial this is really happening. Even more, I'm a couple weeks away from making it to the 2nd trimester for the 1st time ever.
I know there are women that cannot bare and until now I have chalked myself up to someone who wouldn't since none have unfortunetly taken in the past. I would more tham likely never be able to afford the luzery of medical advancements or other options to be gifted the joy of a child so it is a blessing beyond measure to have received this gift of God. Although Now, I find myself grieving for these women even more. Discussions of surrogacy were had have been with my love for 1 year now and it hasn't been the smoothest with finances as I was living a life of someone making 50k on my own to now less than half. Is love all we need in this world because I imagined a better life for my child than poverty. I went to school finished a degree and I'm 2 coarses away from another finished one yet I found my mental distress unbareable to complete these coarses in the end. I HOPE THIS IS TEMPORARY. I am pregnant and scared. My car was repossessed a couple weeks ago now and its been pretty secluded to say the least where I am out here. Social distancing is an understatement I would say. I have a car that needs to be placed on the road, and it was gifted to me by someone who I bought a vehicle for a little over a year ago. It's something that I hope will at least get me home to NY and leave this state I am in that has turned into a nightmare. I hate to say how many people were right about me not making a good decision moving where I did except for the love I have so gracefully found.
It's been a rough 6 months. Things are starting to look up I just hope it stays this way. I lost my job due to illness and hostile work environment situations which aggregated my illnesses to be unbearable. I was denied unemployment and until now have been in limbo with the gracious help of a few that I will forever be grateful for knowing that no one had to help me when I needed it. I was denied food stamps after 3 months of receiving them because they saw me as work fit which means if you are not on government assistance you do not receive help for any longer than 3 months. I'm fortunate to have had a deferment program for my mortgage which gives me a huge break while things fall in place but as I live pretty far out there is limited work available especially that I am physically able to do, yes physically. I've been in denial for a long time mentally and physically and the job I had kept me happy up until a downward spiral of my health and work environment for the last 2 years. I did my utter best to stick to it and try to find another position so that I could remove myself from the environment which caused me strain but it was too late my health condition put me in a position I had to stay put unless I could relocate and then I wasn't hired to relocate because I was overqualified .
In closing I have to believe everything will be alright. I know that people are there for me because I was there for others who had nothing and no one to turn to and I am grateful that I will one day be able to not only pay it forward but return these needs if the opportunity arises or repay advances to those who have requested it. I only ask to continue to be patient because I have not and will not ever forget. I hope its sooner than any later. Peace and love forever be for those that owed me not but give and to those who have promised me back my past thoughtfulness, genuinity, and generous advances and have been absent I guess I have chalked it all to loss prevention in hopes of forgiveness comes back on me for how long it may take for me to be able to pay it forward or back to my family and friends who trust me to do so. I know my debts and I hope those I do owe can understand the difficulty it is for me in knowing this.
To start, a special and never-ending thanks to everyone who had there hands in supporting me one way or another these past months where I have been battling some wars on self and external factors like employment, my limitations, resources from investment fails, failed business ventures, taxes, debts, and the list goes on. A lot of people may or may not know my obvious disabilities or possibly my physical ones as well. If not, all I can say is I was in a glorious remission of symptoms for a few years until health insurance changes from work and other events took place which set me off for a loop of distress, pain, and anguish of not wanting to remember the things I physically and mentally struggle with because the treatment and emotional distractions that were in place worked to keep me coping on a level where I could live one day at a time.
10 years ago this month I miscarried and nearly died after my falopian tube burst and I bled nearly all of my blood internally. Needless to say all 5 quarts of blood were transfused back into my bloodstream to assist in saving my life. After they removed this tube I found myself convinced in thinking I was unable to conceive successfully or at best a very slim to none chance to have am egg successfully implant in my uterus due to scar tissue causing these ectopic events. Was my one and only tube scared as the one threatening my life? I chose to not risk it any more to let my body heal because I will always be high risk and the decision to attempt to become pregnant being high risk and prone to ectopic pregnancy needed to be something not taken lightly and it was too dangerous for this to not be delicately handled.
Well, A couple weeks ago I had an intuition (always trust these) and for the first time ever on a stick test I showed pregnant. OMG IS THIS FOR REAL??? Not many know this but I have had 3 miscarries due to ectopicy that I know of but since most of the time they pass before any real growth happens and it is not always painful when it passes it is unclear to me if it could be more, tho it is a great possibility that the falopian tube I Was left with never dispatched a fertilized egg at all. Each ectopic pregnancy I have had also commonly never caused me to miss a period unless I was on birth control. (yes unfortunetly one time I conceived while on the nuvaring. I'm pregnant and scared. Completely in shock and possibly still in denial this is really happening. Even more, I'm a couple weeks away from making it to the 2nd trimester for the 1st time ever.
I know there are women that cannot bare and until now I have chalked myself up to someone who wouldn't since none have unfortunetly taken in the past. I would more tham likely never be able to afford the luzery of medical advancements or other options to be gifted the joy of a child so it is a blessing beyond measure to have received this gift of God. Although Now, I find myself grieving for these women even more. Discussions of surrogacy were had have been with my love for 1 year now and it hasn't been the smoothest with finances as I was living a life of someone making 50k on my own to now less than half. Is love all we need in this world because I imagined a better life for my child than poverty. I went to school finished a degree and I'm 2 coarses away from another finished one yet I found my mental distress unbareable to complete these coarses in the end. I HOPE THIS IS TEMPORARY. I am pregnant and scared. My car was repossessed a couple weeks ago now and its been pretty secluded to say the least where I am out here. Social distancing is an understatement I would say. I have a car that needs to be placed on the road, and it was gifted to me by someone who I bought a vehicle for a little over a year ago. It's something that I hope will at least get me home to NY and leave this state I am in that has turned into a nightmare. I hate to say how many people were right about me not making a good decision moving where I did except for the love I have so gracefully found.
It's been a rough 6 months. Things are starting to look up I just hope it stays this way. I lost my job due to illness and hostile work environment situations which aggregated my illnesses to be unbearable. I was denied unemployment and until now have been in limbo with the gracious help of a few that I will forever be grateful for knowing that no one had to help me when I needed it. I was denied food stamps after 3 months of receiving them because they saw me as work fit which means if you are not on government assistance you do not receive help for any longer than 3 months. I'm fortunate to have had a deferment program for my mortgage which gives me a huge break while things fall in place but as I live pretty far out there is limited work available especially that I am physically able to do, yes physically. I've been in denial for a long time mentally and physically and the job I had kept me happy up until a downward spiral of my health and work environment for the last 2 years. I did my utter best to stick to it and try to find another position so that I could remove myself from the environment which caused me strain but it was too late my health condition put me in a position I had to stay put unless I could relocate and then I wasn't hired to relocate because I was overqualified .
In closing I have to believe everything will be alright. I know that people are there for me because I was there for others who had nothing and no one to turn to and I am grateful that I will one day be able to not only pay it forward but return these needs if the opportunity arises or repay advances to those who have requested it. I only ask to continue to be patient because I have not and will not ever forget. I hope its sooner than any later. Peace and love forever be for those that owed me not but give and to those who have promised me back my past thoughtfulness, genuinity, and generous advances and have been absent I guess I have chalked it all to loss prevention in hopes of forgiveness comes back on me for how long it may take for me to be able to pay it forward or back to my family and friends who trust me to do so. I know my debts and I hope those I do owe can understand the difficulty it is for me in knowing this.
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