This post is not to be taken as being passive aggressive to cause guilt, but to clear a mind that has no other scapegoat. My heart is overflowing and writing or talking to the person it involves can help free my mind. Unfortunately talking for reconciliation is not possible right now so I digress. We can't lose what isn't meant for us nor can we win a battle we aren't even supposed to be fighting.
So the thing is....
Love depends on perception as does a friendship. What one may consider friendship another may feel more. With more comes acceptance of place in the other persons life. At times of pain, love swoops in as a hero to save the day. Where there is silence love breaks through in its perfect timing.
When you love someone unconditionally, you accept who they are, past, present and what's coming to make them who they are. You define you, no other person or thing has that power over you. True love knows no bounds and its righteousness paves a path to not ever being sorry but instead to know that forgiveness is already given before anything happens to feel guilty about. There is no guilt tripping only confronting the elephant to find understanding in a time of confusion. Love replies with care and openness.
My father once said to me...when you love someone and they come to visit, you ask if they need anything, and you even cook for them when you don't really want to. You genuinely care for the needs, wants and desires of the other person. It's such a simple concept yet sinks deep.
Those annoying habits, if you can find any through acceptance of who they are, become part of the things you miss when they are not physically present. The nuisance of things that may have annoyed you at one time in the immaturity of growth in love becomes a slate wiped clean. Habits are far from a big deal, because when there is love there is also change to a better self. When its a superstitious friendship it leads to utter destruction of communication which eventually leads to an implosion of what once was a beautiful thing. I feared this would happen but couldn't see it happening. I didn't want there to ever be regret or hurt or abandonment from someone I put my trust in at a vulnerable state of mind. The thought that I would be left behind and never again loved by someone I care deeply about is haunting. Love puts up a fight and always wins but it takes at least two to go to battle. If the person you love won't come back for you or fight for you then it wasn't ever what you thought. If you love someone yes you let them go but not because you want to but because you have no other choice. Love always comes back around when it's meant to.
Leading up to today I have been wrong about a lot of things. Unfortunate mistakes and bad choices led me to love never imagined, where I learned and grew into the women I am. What hurts the most is when you are rudely awakened by someone who acted like they cared until it was no longer convenient. If friendship was truly on the table then there would be no question of obligation or convenience. In addition, being blamed in return for something that the person caused and them not even holding themselves accountable defeats the idea of friendship/love. By no means have I no hand in being to blame for things as well. I have admitted my faults and have taken action already to resolve it. These actions have opened my eyes for the now believed lies that I was told to keep me in their life until I was no longer needed or wanted. This would suggest that the words that were said that caused the person to walk away were purposely said for reasons to end it. Love never deserts us forever, but sometimes space is needed for the sanity of those involved. Have you ever felt like you have been had and used up by the actions or words of others? Unfortunately I know this all to well and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.This took forever to wash clean out of my head but my confidence came back stronger then ever. Your emotions and the spirit that makes us who we are get held captive until you surrender to the fact that no one deserves this pain.
A passing waste of time ...never. A dirty little secret is not being good enough for the person ever to publicly acknowledge friendship let alone be respected enough to be given a true shot at something that could have been great. So it passes and love dies right along with the secret. You start facing the fact that someone you genuinely and indisputably loved can walk away and not ever talk to you again and are either oblivious to your feelings or simply couldn't care any less. All this despite being there at their beck and call...because that's how you share yourself and your love together. All will become forgotten as the time you shared fades away. A secret friendship becomes nothing...one walks away hurt and the other appearing heartless. I believed in a friendship and it became more but never would have guessed that the friendship would ever self-destruct. .After resisting my heart from falling into a lie later was convinced we had nothing to lose. So like anyone who falls in love, I put my guard down and BAM just like that the table turns again and the person who became a big part of my life is finished after a moment you just needed to talk. Someone who was once there for you made the decision not to be anymore and you become restricted to even communicate. All anyone needs is compassion through a difficult time and someone to reach out to but sometimes it isn't the person you would think you could reach out to anytime.
Relationships are work, there are going to be inconveniences. It is a two way street but some end abruptly and sometimes there is no reason other then growing apart. Done? I was blinded by deception of false expectation of what friendship and love actually means. How many fresh starts does one receive? The question should in return be When was there a REAL start? When there is love there is no cut off because there is always an explanation and forgiveness. ..unless something that is incomprehensible happens and cannot be forgiven...there is always room for growth. It is highly doubt-able that someone would cut you off for asking about a rumor that you started yourself. The ones that unravel are simply not genuine love but another wave in the ocean as they say. There are exceptions to this but not purposely hurting a supposed friend when clearly the fault was lack of preparation or communication. No one deserves that pain...lie or not being done with someone for asking if the rumor was true in my agony and receiving the coldest response possible ensuring all doubt that you even wanted me around anymore.
I lost my mind again and without support from said person who would have done anything for me at one point, or at least led me to believe they would've. The pain you feel will pass but should never be so difficult when you care about each other. Thanks be to Yah for having strong women in my life because the support from the women in my family is literally what gets me through. Step by step..day by day...I bounce back to who I am wholly in my being. With or without the person I want and love. The person you thought would always be there. Obviously it messes up the mind to be told one thing and then be treated differently. Its like living life with a vale blinding you from seeing that the words were only just That. Its like living a double life for someone because you care about them but never realize that you were just for their entertainment leaving you hanging by the moments that were shared in deception.
Take it as a lesson. If someone can't truly be your friend in the open and avoids it when there is nothing to hide anymore then its time to run away because there is no greater pain then betrayal and broken trust through opposite words spoken and actions done. The void is worse then coping with death on many levels ...because the person you lost to death never leaves you purposely nor do either party lose love for each other. The same person you thought would be beside you through the end twists it on you because they can't admit fault in stepping away and starting to treat you like a disease.
Don't let any relationship control you to change when these signs are present. Truth is I never had a reason to trust but I did anyway until it was proven that any trust was actually earned based on past and present circumstances. I don't have to trust nor distrust anyone but I also shouldn't be silenced for expression of who I am and how I feel. The emptiness is a void in the heart and the stress of thinking about what you did wrong never gets answered. All I wanted was someone to share myself with and I thought wrong thinking it was them. Lack of understanding when communication failed caused one to be thrown to the side, leaving them to grasp in finding a coping distraction. Being treated like a disease when attempting to be there for someone is never deserved regardless of the excuse. No apologies needed, there is no reason other then being hurtful on an account of accusation of distrust. Who knew love for someone could turn so empty.
Grieving the loss of a loved one and finding hope in restored faith and new people helps us cope. But what happens when the people who helped get you through an unfortunate situation walks away? The pain comes crashing in, leaving you to doubt and lost hope in something you believed in. It's insane really because you believed a lie and can't even justify the change of being cut off and left to dwell in the whys of it all. STOP. Don't put yourself through the doubt because you didn't do anything to deserve to be any less then loved.
The best thing to learn is to apologize for any hurt or other reason to be thrown out like trash...then forgive yourself because you can be sure this person you so dearly grew in love with doesn't exist anymore. You don't know the person that appeared and publically and silently disrespected you. The fortunate part is that the path is cleared and opened for someone who really cares, and maybe new beginnings, even meeting this person that they have become in the future. Something could have been very wrong but no concern of well being has been offered from the friend who acted like they were there and you were only special by convenience and not by actual care of how your doing.
Remember you have you and there is no one on earth that you can depend on other then yourself to be happy or to find distraction from the pain of losing someone close to you just for being the concerned you and not being purposely "pushy" or "needy" all of a sudden to said love in question. Maybe the person is just a coward like you not wanting to face truth and turning your back on love...there is always a reason but it isn't always revealed at the desired time.
If someone pursues you and you reserve your heart, it is important to test the spirit before letting any guard down, if ever. These situations can't be avoided to their entirety but being prepared for the worst at all times leaves you less disappointed in the end. Stop asking yourself why because if it was important and you were truly friends, the person will either respect you enough to eventually be there for you or they won't.
There is no telling what the future holds and the uncertainty can drive one mad if obsessed with wondering and only wanting the truth ...wanting the friend you grew to adore and love with your whole heart like never given before or knew existed. Don't worry about not understanding or expect to ever have closure . Understand and learn that the changes and emotions that you may have been going through to fly off the handle to the point of making yourself sick wasn't your or the other persons fault. Although your heart/love didn't change the other persons has which may or may not remain the same or get worse. The only way someone will share or be real to you is if they want you to know. They may or may not come around. They may or may not care but to continue going in circles to try to figure it out is insanity. You can't force someone to be there for you or care if they don't. Time heals and so does writing and talking. Choosing not to be there for someone you cared about or not helping the person by being negative instead of seeing the big picture of perception of each other will cause resentment in the end. In every ending there are new beginnings. Sometimes those endings come abruptly leaving you wishing you had more time.
Your love for me is gone...this is one thing I hope and pray to be wrong about. I never wanted to hurt you nor do I believe you wanted to hurt me. I never thought I would feel abandoned by you, yet I needed to learn this side of you that I've never seen in the 2 years passed. Yes I agree I have my faults and I take ownership for them so that I can be different. One of those many faults is having separation anxiety from someone I talked to everyday for over a year... only time can erase this feeling. Wanting someone I can count on to be there is not needy nor pushy. Yes I agree sometimes it takes me time to let a situation sink in and this may be why I keep talking about it until I'm completely clear. This irritates me about myself but if I feel like something hasn't been clearly resolved it bothers me. This bothers me...clearly I overlooked what we were and it took a hard lesson to see that. This unfortunately has left a huge gap in my life because where I think I'm being open with questions or intuitions I have, I'm being perceived as something I'm not.
I WANT to be different therefore I am.
Dedication:
If your reading this buh...I will always love you. Thanks for a good good time. It was good while it lasted. I hope one day whatever you are going through can bring you clarity. I only wanted a chance with you and it may never come now. Not the supposed chance of restriction but a real chance to be happy together. Even though it didn't have to be like this it is and now it's back to you...invest in caring for yourself, loving yourself and most of all forgiving yourself for any passion that may have helped cause the silence. I hope to have a real chance one day but won't hold my breathe....words are words...the promises don't void and will follow you where you go. If I wasn't who I was we wouldn't have ever met. Do what you do I will always love you. 17.
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